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「決断」してますか?

ketudan01

私は競馬の予想をすると、必ず自分の決断力のなさに辟易することになる。ああでもない、こうでもないと考えた挙げ句に、結局決まらない。一旦これだと決めても、すこし時間が経つと、やはり違うのではないかという疑惑が心の中に浮かび上がる。始めは思考という形を取っていた予想も、だんだんと悩みに姿を変え、ついには私を半狂乱の状態に陥らせる。

競馬の予想に答えはないと私は思っている。もちろんレースが終われば結果は出るのだが、レースが始まる前には答えは存在しない。たとえ自分が考え出した答えがレース後に分かる結果と一致したとしても、それはたまたま、もしくはまぐれであることが多い(私たちが考えている以上に)。予想が当たったというよりも、レースの結果の方が予想に当たったと考える方が実は自然である。そんな混沌としたデタラメな世界において、答えなど出せるわけがないのである。答えがない世界で答えを出すということの難しさに、私はいつも戸惑い、打ちひしがれてしまうのだ。

そんな「決断」できない私は、答えがある世界で生きてきたのかもしれない。ものごとの全てに答えがあり、その答えを見つけていけば幸せになれるという幻想を抱いていたのかもしれない。受験勉強などはそんな幻想の典型的な例だろう。設問には確実に答えが存在し(答えがなければ設問として成立しない)、ただひたすら答えを出すことに集中すればよかった。「氷が解けると何になるか?」という設問には、「水」という答えが前提としてあるわけで、間違っても「春」などと答えるような逸脱は許されなかった。答えを見つけた者は成功者で、見つけられなかった者は落ちこぼれと揶揄された。

ketudan02それは社会に出ても変わらない。どんな仕事にも、ほとんどの場合、こうすればよいという答えが必ずあり、答えまで出す必要がない仕事がほとんどである。始めはどれだけ知的に見えた作業でも、自ら経験を積み、的確な判断ができるようになれば、本人にとっては右から左へとモノを動かすような単純な作業となんら変わりはなくなる。だからこそ、代わりの人間はいくらでもいるし、私たちは歯車として回り続けなければならない。私の「こうしたい」という想いは、「こうあるべき」という理性によって屈服させられてしまうことになる。もし私ではなく他の誰がやっても同じ答えに辿り着くのであれば、私の意志はそこにはない。つまり、答えのある世界では私は「決断」する必要がなく、「選択」を繰り返していけばいいことになる。

私たちは大きな決断から小さな決断まで積み上げてここまで生きてきたと錯覚しがちであるが、実は私たちはほとんど「決断」していないのである。意識的であっても、無意識的であっても、すべてあらかじめ決められたレールの上に乗ってものごとを「選択」しているのにすぎない。思い出してほしい。本人は頭を抱え込んで悩んでいるつもりでも、内心では明らかに答えが出ていることが多かったのではなかろうか。なぜなら本人のことが一番分かっているのは、誰が何と言おうと本人自身なのだから。そんな答えのある世界でずっと生きてきた私たちが、答えのない世界に突然放り出されて立ち尽くしてしまうのは当然といえば当然のことである。

けれども、本当のことを言うと、私たちは答えのない世界に生きているのだ。明日世界がどうなっているか分からないし、明日自分の心がどうなっているかも分からない。明日の天気でさえもまともに分からないのである。なぜいくら考えても分からないかというと、私たちの生きている世界に元々答えなどは存在しないからである。答えのない世界では答えを出すことは難しい。難しいというよりも、答えのない世界で答えを出すことなど不可能である。いくら頭をひねって考えようが、先生に質問しようが、参考書をめくろうが、ないものを見つけることはできない。

ないものを延々と探し続ける私たちが苦しむのは当然のことであり、私たちが答えを探し求めている限り「決断」することはできない。答えのない世界では答えを探してはいけない。いや、探してはいけないということはないが、答えが見つかると思ってはいけない。たとえ答えが見つからなくても、いずれ私たちは「決断」しなければならないのだ。答えのない世界で、答えを探し求め、結局答えは見つからないのだが、それでも私たちは「決断」することを求められる。

答えが分からないのに「決断」するということは、つまり「決断」とは<どうするか決めること>ではないことを意味する。「決断」とは<自分が選び取った状況に腹をくくること>なのである。AとBという選択肢の中で<どちらかを選び取ること>が「決断」ではなく、もしAという選択肢を選び取ったときに、<Aという選択肢を選び取ったという状況に腹をくくること>が「決断」なのだ。

ketudan03

卑近なたとえになるが、「この人と結婚していいのか」という問いがあるとする。それが彼女の彼に対する問いであれば、彼の人柄、経済力、男性としての魅力、健康、将来性、などの基準をもとに「結婚する」か「結婚しない」かの答えを出すことになる。与えられた情報をもとに答えを出すという図式は、受験勉強のそれとなんら変わりはない。答えのある世界で生きてきた彼女は、この時点で「結婚する」という「決断」をしたと思い込んでしまう。だからこそ、結婚式とはああも重大で厳かで感動的でもある。

だが、「結婚する」「結婚しない」は単なる「選択」にすぎない。「選択」は答えを出すだけでいいが、「決断」には答えがないだけでなく、そこから先が問われる。「結婚する」という「決断」は、結婚するという自分で選び取った状況に腹をくくること、つまり「結婚する」という「決断」から生まれるべき全ての状況に、腹を据えて正面から向き合わなければならないということである。それは決して一時的な行為ではなく、「決断」した時点から未来へと続いていく継続的な行為なのである。

「思想の値段は勇気で決まる。間違った思想でも、大胆にそして明晰に表現されているなら、それだけで十分な収穫といえる。」というヴィトゲンシュタインの言葉がある。「決断」にもし値段が付けられるとしたら、それも勇気によって決まるのではないだろうか。どれだけの勇気を持って「決断」したかが、その「決断」の価値を高めるのだ。たとえ結果的にその「決断」が間違っていようとも、勇気をもってなされたものであれば、その「決断」は正しかったということになる。答えのない世界で「決断」をする以上、私たちは勇気をもって臨まなければならない。「決断」とはかくも美しい行為なのである。

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Comments

読み返させて頂いて、今の自分の心境にピッタリ過ぎて
驚いて思わずコメントさせて頂きました。すいません。

日曜日に次週の登録馬を確認してから
データを睨みつつ、あーでもないこーでもないと
展開を何度も何度もシミュレーションし、
これか!いや、でも・・もしかして・・いやいや・・

自分の中で決定的に予想を決めるポイントが見つからないときは
まさしく寝ても覚めても悩み続けてしまいます。

でもって、もうこれで仕方がない!と腹をくくって
◎○▲△×と印をつけると・・・
不思議な事にもの凄いすっきりするんですよね(^^;
憑き物が落ちたかのように世の中が明るく見える(笑)
そんな感じです。

競馬の予想はある意味自分の「思想」の表現手段であり
自分なりの「決断」がそこにあらわされている・・。
だからこそ悩み、考え抜く過程が大切なのだと思います。

当たった、外れた、いくら儲けた、を基準に考える人も
多いのでしょうけど、いかにその結論に辿りついたのか
とうことこそがこれからの自分の血となり肉となることだと
思いますね(^^)。

『予想を公開する=プライドを賭けた自己表現』
改めて自分にどこまで悩んで考えて予想をしているかを
問い直すようにしたいと思います。
長々と失礼いたしました。

Posted by: けん♂ | February 23, 2007 at 02:29 AM

けん♂さん

ありがとうございます。

このエントリーは、かなり昔に書いたもので、大上段に構えすぎていて気恥ずかしいのですが、個人的には結構気に入っているエッセイです。

>自分の中で決定的に予想を決めるポイントが見つからないときは
>まさしく寝ても覚めても悩み続けてしまいます。
→よーく分かります。

けん♂さんのブログを拝見していると、かなり時間をかけて悩まれているのだろうなと思います。

>これからの自分の血となり肉となることだと思いますね(^^)。

私もそう思います。

考えても馬券は当たりませんが、考えることのみが自分の血と肉になっていくと思います。

これからもけん♂さんの予想を楽しみにしています。

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