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<ゼロからやり直す>ということ

Wtelizabeth07

私の本命であるテイエムオーシャンが敗れ去ったエリザベス女王杯の日の夜、TBS系の『情熱大陸』という番組で音楽家の久石譲のことをやっていた。久石氏は宮崎駿アニメ『となりのトトロ』『風の谷のナウシカ』などの音楽を作曲したこと、他にはビートたけし監督の映画『HANABI』などの音楽でも有名である。日本映画の音楽賞をほぼ総なめにしていて、この人なしでは映画音楽は語れないという人物である。 この久石氏の音づくりに密着するという形で番組は進んでいくのだが、途中のインタビューでこんなやりとりがあった。

久石 「音を作っていって突き詰めていくと、ある地点で“これは違うな”と感じてしまうことがある。そうすると、どうするか?新しく作り直すには、またゼロからやり直さなくてはいけない。」

インタビュアー 「どうするんですか?」

久石 「俺はやり直すよ」

つまり、延々とシジフォス的に時間をかけて作った音が“違う”と感じてしまう瞬間があり、そんなとき彼はどういう態度をとるかということである。

久石氏がとる<ゼロからやり直す>という態度は、一般にもてはやされている「一からやり直すつもりで」といった心理的態度とは一線を画している。「一からやり直すつもり」とは、つまり、「初心にかえって」とか「気持ちを新たに」という気分転換へのレトリックとして用いられるし、その証拠に語尾には「つもりで」が付くことが多い。

<ゼロからやり直す>という言葉は、ある方向に向かって進んでいた作業を全てなかったものとして、もう一度原点という空白な地点からやり直す、という意味の迫力を持っている。それまで積み上げて来たものすべて、それは時間であったり、人間関係であったり、自分自身であるかもしれないが、それらを完全に否定することによって<ゼロからやり直す>ことは成立する。

『盤上の海、詩の宇宙』(河出書房新書)の中で、将棋の羽生善治はこう語っている。 「考えた指し手に愛着はあるけれども、それをやっぱり考えていく中で捨てていかなくてはいけないことがある。――たとえば、そういう愛着を捨てなきゃいけないときには、向こう側から見ないと捨てられないのかもしれない。」

向こう側とは、将棋盤をはさんでの対面、つまり相手の側から見るということである。相手の側(客観)から見ることによって、それまで考え抜いてきた愛着のある指し手ときっぱりと訣別することができるというのである。苦しみ抜いて自分で考えた手を否定するときに、他者の目、ここでは敵の目を通して判断していることは興味深い。他者という存在を意識することによって、それまでの自己を完全に否定するといった手法からは、ある種マゾヒズム的な残酷さを感じざるをえない。

<ゼロからやり直す>という作業の苛酷さは、<やり直す>ことよりも<ゼロに戻る>という点にあるだろう。果たして<ゼロに戻る>ということは可能なのだろうか。それまである地点を目指し延々と試行錯誤してきたものを、完全にきっぱりと捨て去って、まるで何ごともなかったかのように再び考え始めることができるのだろうか。切っても切り離せない思考の断片のようなものに引きずられている限り、それは<ゼロに戻る>ことにはならない。

「あなたがこれまで生きて来て、今、そしてこれからも生きて行こうとする人生を、何から何まで同じ順序や形で、もう一度、もしくは何度も反復してやり直す」というニーチェの永遠回帰の思想がある。一度見終わった人生というビデオテープを巻き戻し、もう一度、もしくは何度も繰り返して見る。必ず同じ人々が登場し、同じ時間に出会い、同じ場所でキスをして、同じ場面でつまずき、同じジョークに笑い転げる。そこには、あの喜びも、あの悲しみも、あの苦痛も、あの快楽も、すべて同じ程度、色合い、手触り、匂いをもってやってくる。

もちろん過去の人生の記憶は微塵も残っていない。全てがゼロに戻り、<ゼロからやり直す>のである。全く同じことが反復される以上、そこには過去もなければ未来もなく、向上もなければ後退もない。ただひたすらに、与えられた人生を繰り返し生きる。

何度やり直しても、私は2001年のエリザベス女王杯でテイエムオーシャンの単勝を買って負けるのであろう。トボトボと家に帰り、フテ寝をして、起きて、11時からの『情熱大陸』を観る。そして、久石穣という音楽家に触発されてこの稚拙なエッセイを書こうとする。「トゥザビクトリーか・・・」という悔恨の意を胸に宿しながら。同じ失敗をして、同じ病を授かり、同じく不遇で、罪深く、凡庸な人生を、私たちは「それでもやり直したい」と思えるのであろうか。

ニーチェはこうも語った。「そなたたちはかつて何らかの快楽に対して然りと言ったことがあるか?おお、わたしの友人よ、そう言ったとすれば、そなたたちは一切の苦痛に対しても然りと言ったことになる。一切の諸事物は、鎖で、糸で、愛で、つなぎ合わされているのだ。」

ダービーでまぐれ当たりした万馬券の喜び、あの人に出会えた奇跡、あの日の夕焼け、それらすべて、私は否定することができない。いや、一切を肯定したいと思う。そのためには、今日の外れ馬券、あの苦痛、あの虚しさ、自分の愚かさ、卑小さをも肯定しなければならない。プラスもマイナスもすべてはつながっているのだから。すべてをひっくるめて徹底的に肯定することによってのみ、<ゼロからやり直すこと>はできるのかもしれない。

「どうするんですか?」


「俺はやり直すよ」

そう言い切った久石穣を素直にすごいと思った。

以上は今からちょうど6年前に書いたエッセイである。あれから長い年月が経った今でも、<ゼロからやり直す>ことは難しいなと感じる。それは予想の過程においても同じで、ダイワスカーレットが負けるという前提から入ってしまった以上、どれだけアサヒライジングの本命に違和感があろうとも、ゼロから考え直して(予想し直して)ダイワスカーレットを買うことは難しい。

しかし、それでも正解を求めるとすれば、自分の予想を否定するのではなく、徹底的に肯定していくこと以外に方法はないのかもしれない。自分の予想を徹底的に肯定し、論理的に詰めていき、それでもどうしても正解に辿り着けなくて、そうして初めてダイワスカーレットの可能性を拾えるのだろう。全ては一周してつながっているのだから。

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Comments

予想の途中に違和感を感じる瞬間・・・凄いわかります。
何か忘れていないか?
どこかで無理してないか?
もし前提が違ってたらまったく違うんじゃないか?

自分の考察を信じようとするがために、自分にとって
不都合な情報に目をつぶってしまう・・・。
こういうときはキッチリしっぺ返しを食らうのがまた
不思議な巡り会わせだったりしますよね(^^;

「ゼロからやり直す」
これってもの凄い熱意がいることだと思います。
まぁいいか、で済まさせない・・
自分を強く律する気持ちがないと出来ませんよね。
自分自身が積み上げてきた予想を一旦否定するのは
ある意味プライドの否定であるわけですが、
本当のプライドがあるならば、中途半端な予想では
済まさないというのが正しい姿かと思います。

今年ももう終わろうとしていますが新年を迎える前に
襟を正し直そうと思います(^^)

Posted by: けん♂ | December 13, 2007 at 12:16 AM

けん♂さん

こんばんは。

けん♂さんはこういう議題に付いて来てくれるから嬉しいなあ(笑)

予想の途中で違和感を感じてしまっても、もう引き返せなくなっていることってありますよね。

それまで考えてきたことが勿体無いとか、引き返してやっぱり前の方が正しかったらどうしようとか。

そういう時は無理やり自己否定してもゼロに戻れないのだろうなと。

徹底的に自己肯定して、それでもやっぱり違うという時点まで詰めていって初めてそれまでの手を捨てきれるのかもしれません。

そう思っていても出来ないんですよ、これ。

だから久石譲は凄いなと思ったのです。

私はけん♂ さんの出来る限りのことは何でも取り入れて考えていく姿勢を尊敬していますよ。

Posted by: 治郎丸敬之 | December 13, 2007 at 01:51 AM

Quinaです

少し大袈裟に言えば、競馬をやる、馬券を買うということは、自分の未来を買う事だと思っています。予想の付かない未来の姿に頭を悩ませて、そして導き出した答え=馬券を握り締めて、レースに臨み、そして名前を叫ぶ。

大体は予想通りには行きませんが、外れても悲劇におけるカタルシス的な快感を得る事もあり、稀に予想どおりの未来がやってくれば、歓喜に胸躍らせ、時には涙を流すことも…

僕はそれがたまらなくて、競馬を続けているのだと思っています。

競馬というゲームは、同じメンバー、同じ条件で行われても、何千通りの結果があるはずですから、そこで自分が自分だけの未来を買うのならば、好きな馬を選んでも、また時には選ばなくても良いのではないでしょうか?

そこにどんなことであれ、理由や、根拠があるのなら、その時の自分は己の未来を信じているのですから。

未来を信じる自分の姿は、たとえ結果は違ったものだとしても、正しいものだと思います。


And go round and round and round in the circle game
Joni Mitchell 「The Circle Game 」

短くまとめるには深遠すぎるテーマなので、稚拙なコメントで上手く伝わりますか心配…

Posted by: quina | December 13, 2007 at 08:47 AM

quinaさま

こんにちは。

>競馬というゲームは、同じメンバー、同じ条件で行われても、何千通りの結果があるはずですから
→そうなんですよね。

私は昔は結果は必ず1通りしかないと思っていましたが、どうやらそうではないということが分かってきました。

ですから、本当は正解などないのかもしれません。

そんな中で、私たちは馬柱にある勝ち馬を探し出そうと未来を予測するのですから、それは深遠な作業ですよね。

私たちが生きていくこともそういうことなのかなと思ったりします。

サークルゲームか…

さすがJoni Mitchellは見事に表現します。

Posted by: 治郎丸敬之 | December 13, 2007 at 12:01 PM

自分は学生時代に作曲の勉強をし、
現在も本業では音楽関連の仕事をしているのですが
ここで久石譲氏の名前を見るとは思ってもいませんでした(笑)


「ゼロからやり直す」ということですが、
作曲の作業においては「違う」と感じてしまった時、
完成したものを納得いくまで作り直すよりも、
ゼロから作り直したほうがはるかに手間がかからない
ということが多々あります。

また、完成に近いところまで作り上げた作品であれば
譜面を破り捨ててしまうということはせず、
何か別の仕事で使うことができないか考えるでしょう。

久石譲氏のように膨大な数の曲を発表している人であれば
そういった形でボツになった曲のスケッチは大量にあり
別の仕事に生かすということをしているはずなので、
厳密な意味で完全に捨て去るということはありえません。


作曲にしても予想にしても何をするにしても、
作品を完成させたり本命馬にたどり着いた時、
それに疑いを持ってゼロに戻ろうとしたとしても
そこに至ったという経験は自分の頭と体に残ってしまうでしょう。

完全に否定してゼロにもどるというより
一度たどったその経験を生かして別の角度から考え直す、
そういった視点が重要なのだと思います。


・・・と、結論を特に考えずにコメントを書きはじめたのですが、
よくみたら治郎丸さんが本文でおっしゃっている
「徹底的に肯定していくこと以外に方法はない」
ということをそのままなぞっているだけですね・・・(苦笑)


駄文、長々と失礼いたしましたm(_ _)m

Posted by: sousuke | December 13, 2007 at 06:01 PM

治郎丸さん

こんばんは。
「ガラスの競馬場」をきっかけに久石譲さんを始めさまざまな人の考えを知り学び時には勇気づけられます。私も、後悔や否定の日々を過ごしていますが、徹底的に肯定していく考えもあるのですね。気持ちがだいぶ楽になります。また、「全ては一周してつながっているのだから」について、私の周りの出来事を振り返るとつながっているものも多々あるような気がしますのでとても共感できます。とりとめもないコメントでスイマセン。

Posted by: hagi | December 13, 2007 at 10:51 PM

sousukeさん

こんばんは。

sousukeさんがそういう関係の方だったとは想像もしていませんでした。

私は音楽関係はほとんど無知なのですが、たまたまこの番組で久石譲氏の言葉を聞いて凄いと思いました。

ですので、もし的外れなことを言っていたらスイマセン(笑)。

>作曲にしても予想にしても何をするにしても、
>作品を完成させたり本命馬にたどり着いた時、
>それに疑いを持ってゼロに戻ろうとしたとしても
>そこに至ったという経験は自分の頭と体に残ってしまうでしょう。
→そうなんですよね。

良い意味でも悪い意味でも、頭と体が忘れてくれません。

こういう時にこそ、私は私という人間を生きているという気がします。

私という思考と身体から私は逃れられないのですね。

だからこそ、

>一度たどったその経験を生かして別の角度から考え直す、
>そういった視点が重要なのだと思います。

私もそう思います。


Posted by: 治郎丸敬之 | December 14, 2007 at 01:41 AM

hagiさん

こんばんは。

私はどちらかというと自己否定してゼロに戻りきれずに苦しむタイプなのですが、そこには行き着く先はないなと思っています。

徹底的に自己肯定することから、何かが生まれてくるのではないか。

6年前に書いたエッセイを引っ張り出してきて、そんなことをフト思いました。

hagiさんも何か通じるものを感じていただけたのであれば嬉しいです。

Posted by: 治郎丸敬之 | December 14, 2007 at 01:45 AM

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